When Wisconsin writer Andrew Patrie was born, the adults around him called him a boy. They put “male” on his birth certificate.
He was socialized as a boy, went through puberty as a young man, got married to a woman named Adrienne and later became a father.
Their child was assigned “male” at birth, as well. But before middle school started, Andrew and Adrienne were informed by their child that they had a daughter — not a son.
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Andrew writes about the early years of parenting his daughter, Simone, in his new memoir, “Clumsy Love: A Father’s Journey Parenting His Transgender Daughter.”
“It wasn’t a smooth road,” Andrew told WPR’s “Wisconsin Today.” “Hence the title, ‘Clumsy Love.’ There were a lot of missteps along the way, mostly on my part.”
The memoir spans Simone’s childhood and preteen years, ending just after she turned 13. Simone is now 18, an incoming college freshman.
“I knew I was a girl before people even started categorizing me as a boy or dressing me up in boy’s clothing,” Simone told “Wisconsin Today.” “So when I was told, ‘Hey, boys go on this side. Girls go on this side,’ I was like, ‘Why am I going on this side of the room?’ That was quite distressing and confusing. It got worse until I finally knew the word for what I was feeling. And that was finally the moment that I felt freed and I was able to be my true self.”
Regardless of gender identity, a memoir written by a parent about their kid’s childhood would be anxiety-inducing for almost anyone. But one of the anxieties for Simone was the idea that her dead name — the name her parents gave her before she changed it to better align with her gender — would be visible to the world.
“But as time kind of went on I reframed my mind,” Simone said. “I thought more about it as kind of a reclaiming — I think I’m most excited for that piece of my life to be shared.”
“I had her blessing,” Andrew added. “The first half of the book uses Simone’s dead name so the reader has to adjust to the change in a similar way that her friends and family did.”
According to Andrew, part of his clumsiness of raising Simone came from a place of fear — because if Simone is transgender, it might mean her future could have more obstacles than if she were cisgender.
While it was difficult to reckon with this fear, Andrew said it was important for him to be honest in his writing. He wants other families who might be going through something similar to read this story and see that it is possible to work through the hard times.
“I think I was hoping to bring some humanity to an issue that’s often politicized and caricatured, and show how one family is dealing with it,” Andrew said. “I was hoping that could be helpful to other people who maybe saw, within their own children, similar things that we noticed in our child.”
Simone said this is another reason she is okay with personal details of her childhood being visible to others — because maybe it can help someone else.
“I want my story to help the unseen feel seen,” Simone said. “For every trans and queer child who feels alone, as I did, I want this story to be a blatant, glaring message to them that you are not alone.”
The book ends before Simone goes to high school, which she said was an amazing experience for her. She made huge accomplishments as a singer, got to sing in the same a capella competition depicted in the movie “Pitch Perfect,” and experienced the exhilarating warmth of a spotlight on stage during her senior solo.
Simone, Andrew and Adrienne are now gearing up for their next chapter as a family: college. Simone is about to enter her freshman year at Lawrence University, where she plans to double major in English and Spanish. Meanwhile, Andrew and Adrienne join the ranks of other nail-biting parents as they watch their child enter adulthood.
“This book is really meant to be my story as a parent,” Andrew said. “I don’t want to try to tell Simone’s story, although she is a part of mine. Hopefully someday, Simone will share her story, too.”
