Successful Co-Parenting After Divorce Or Separation

Air Date:
Heard On The Larry Meiller Show

When parents divorce or separate, determining how to successfully co-parent children is very important. Larry Meiller finds out about the different aspects of sharing parenting responsibilities, and how to make the right decisions for the children, and parents.

Featured in this Show

  • Transition To Co-Parenting Can Be Stressful For Both Children, Adults

    Each year, 1.5 million married couples with children get a divorce, while many other unmarried couples with children separate. According to one author, for many children with parents who split up, the transition to a co-parenting system can be a stressful one.

    Karen Bonnell said the challenge for parents is to prioritize the needs and feelings of their children even when they are angry or grieving the loss of the partnership. She said that the goal is “to keep the child central, without letting them get caught in the middle.”

    Bonnell, the author of “The Co-Parents’ Handbook,” said that it’s critical for adults to remember that “half of your child’s heart belongs to one parent, and half of your child’s heart belongs to the other.” While that might seem obvious, it’s important to keep in mind when one parent chooses how to speak about the other parent to the child. By speaking with respect and even appreciation for the parenting of the former spouse, children get the message that it’s OK to love both their parents unreservedly.

    Bonnell encouraged parents who are facing the end of their couple relationship to distinguish between “spouse mind” and “parent mind.” Separating the parts of the mind and heart that identify as a “spouse” and the parts that identify as a “parent” is likely to feel unnatural right after a separation. For parents who were living with and raising children with a partner, the two might have appeared the same, or closely woven together. But when people have to co-parent with someone who is no longer a spouse, the distinction is important.

    Bonnell also stressed that a divorce or separation should only happen between adults: “Parents aren’t divorcing children, and children aren’t divorcing anyone,” she said.

    Especially in the early period of the divorce or separation, there can be a lot of hurt and anger on the part of one or both former spouses. Those thoughts and feelings are valid and important to acknowledge, Bonnell said, but they fall squarely in the “spouse mind” category.

    What comes from the “parent mind,” on the other hand, should be words, thoughts and actions that focus on the needs and desires of children. That might include encouraging children to talk about what they do at another parent’s house — not as a means to get information, but as a way of letting them know it’s OK to be happy in that part of their life.

    As adults settle into a co-parenting routine and emotions are not quite as raw, thinking with the “parent mind” can even lead to parts of holidays spent together with children, attendance of children’s sporting events, concerts, and other activities together, and other ways of co-parenting both in private and in public. When co-parents achieve that, said Bonnell, it allows children to enjoy all of their family’s support.

    Bonnell’s blog offers information and resources for co-parents at all stages of the process.

Episode Credits

  • Larry Meiller Host
  • Judith Siers-Poisson Producer
  • Karen Bonnell Guest

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